IT is December and while families are looking forwards to a blessed time of sharing, others are already grinding their teeth in anticipation of the freeloaders, the sloths, the braggers and the moaners, collectively known as ‘the guests’.
Holidays in hotels and bed-and-breakfasts have become unaffordable for most and even camping in any area not resembling a squatter camp, is as costly.
Camping with all the go-fasters, even have a term – ‘glamping’ or ‘glamorous camping’ which entails luxury 4X4’s, outdoor caravans, solar power and an entourage to set up camp complete with satellite TV.
That is why many mortals either stay home or visit friends and families to save on accommodation.
If you never get an invitation after the first or, worst, if you do not bother to wait for an invitation, kindly consider what type of guest you are or have been.
Remember, word of mouth spreads quicker than wildfire and next year, your name may appear on the persona non-grata list.
So, here are tips to stay on the guest list:
1. If you are on holiday and feel entitled to rest after your long and strenuous year – your hosts are in the same boat. They are not so grateful for your delightful company that they enjoy standing behind the pots or braai in 40 degrees shade, while you sip your cocktail, paint your nails or read your holiday novel.
Find a kitchen utensil and use it.
2. Do not take a new towel from the cupboard every time you swim, bath or shower. Use the same towel, hang it up to dry (not over the furniture) and wash it yourself when it starts to smell like the dog.
3. Don’t sleep until 10am and complain because ‘people are making noise when others try to sleep’.
4. Don’t hog the TV remote control. It is not your house or your rules and you do not pay the subscription or TV licence.
5. Don’t ever arrive empty handed – you know what your daily food consumption is. Provide for yourself and your family. You should in fact buy stuff for your host – not the other way around.
6. Don’t criticise or discipline or interfere with your hosts’ children, animals or domestic help. If you don’t like what they do, go home.
7. Don’t excuse yourself and sit in the toilet until the dishes are done. Everybody knows what you are doing and you will be dumped excuse the pun.
8. Don’t drink too much and pinch anybody’s bottom. Not even a wife appreciates this.
9. Don’t make bad jokes. It is a family environment and not a seaman’s pub.
10. When in Rome – don’t behave like a hooligan.
11. Make your own bed and pick up where your children have made a mess. The hostess is keeping count, as it usually goes with the only person on duty all the time.
12. Don’t tell your host ‘we are three’ and then scream ‘Surprise! I meant three cars!’
13. If you suspect your hosts are hinting that it WAS nice to see you or if they suddenly remember they had other plans, don’t ask yourself: ‘Are they trying to get rid of me?’ They are. Leave. ASAP.
14. Don’t brag about your money and everything you have just bought. If you are so rich, why do you choose to stay in squalor with your poorer family or friends? Book in at the Royal.
15. Don’t lament about how poor and unfortunate you are. Your hosts are already sharing their space with you. Don’t put them on a guilt trip or try to extort them for more.
16. Leave their teenage daughter and her friends alone. Don’t be the ‘scaly old ballie’ or the ‘cougar / mutton-dressed-as-lamb-aunty’ – it is pathetic and dangerous.
17. Don’t flirt with anyone unless the both of you are single and available. You might end up spending Christmas Eve at Mr Emergency Man.
18. Avoid politics, religion and rugby, especially after a few hoots.
19. Do bring and prepare your own food, tell good stories, listen to stories when someone else is having the floor, say please and thank you, clean up your own mess every time, contribute positively to the festivities and leave a gift.
20. If that sounds like too much trouble – you are a house pest. Best pay for your own board and lodging.
