Ask Dr Mo

Question from Cyril

Dr Lovemore, my daughter has just started high school and all of a sudden my precious, innocent girl is bringing boys home.

Some of these boys dress funny, look rather sly and leaves me with a dubious feeling as to their intentions.

I know that my little princess is growing up and that I cannot be too inhospitable towards her friends, but how do I know which ones are ill-bred and which ones are decent?

Dr Lovemore answers

Cyril, there is no such thing as a decent boy when it comes to your 14-year-old daughter.

They are all a bunch of ravenous mongrels which will burrow under your fence at night.

Setting traps or shooting them on sight will unfortunately not go down too well with your daughter and the authorities, so best you keep a sharp lookout and drive away the worst specimens.

If he holds his trousers up by hanging onto his crotch with one hand, then he is most likely a little drug dealer in training, and you should lay in the sjambok before he even reaches the front door.

If he has any tattoos then he will most definitely on day find permanent residence in Qalakabusha prison’s C-max ward and should receive the same treatment as his drug peddling future cell mate.

A boy who comes to visit driving a car has probably stolen it and should also be given a bit of stick to help him on his way.

Then you might get one who looks very decent and who claims he likes reading philosophy books and believes in equal rights.

Cyril, he is a little communist and should be tarred and feathered.

Any boy who talks too much about sport or fishing does not have his priorities in order and will never give your daughter the attention she deserves.

Kick him around a bit followed by a quick dunking in the bog – when the princess is not watching of course.

Cyril, protect what is dear to you at all costs. Invest in CCTV cameras, a taser gun and guard dogs.

Good luck my friend.