Question from Koos Koekemoer
Dr Lovemore, I’m at my wit’s end with regards to meeting sexy women. In desperation I visited Dr Isivunguvungu in Empangeni – you know, the fellow who places little leaflets on our windscreens with promises of solving all our problems. After forking out a fortune and drinking vile concoctions from smoking pots and showering my head with ashes, I was given the assurance that I would now be irresistible to women, have a rampant spitting cobra in my Speedo instead of a ‘luislang’ and was even given the Lotto numbers as a bonus.
Yet, trawling the Zululand beaches during the festive period, I once again failed to attract amorous advances from the opposite sex.
I’m a big, strong boy pushing the scale at 215kg, prefer Angelina Jolie lookalikes and have a sensitive side women should find enticing.
What is the problem then?
Dr Lovemore answers
You are in luck Koekies. After deep contemplation about your case, the answers were revealed to me in a spiritual haze after my colleague Dr Linda Lovelace and I saw off six fine bottles of Alto Rouge during our last philosophical grope… er… I mean group session.
I give this to you free, so I suggest you try and get a refund from that snake oil salesman (unless he has in fact turned your Speedo python pouch into a raging cobra cage – in which case you can forward me his contact details post-haste, just for research purposes you understand).
Koekies, all you need is a reality check, and then take it from there.
Model types will never, ever date guys sporting bigger breasts than they do. It’s called boob envy. When making an entrance at any function, her petite little cantaloupes should not be concussed from sight by your bouncing watermelons. Stealing her limelight is a definite turn-off.
In the interim, while you work hard ripping your hidden muscles in the gym over the next 10 years, tone down your expectations to more modest levels, firing your Cupid arrows rather towards those similarly love-starved nubiles who find body berm surfing fulfilling.
I hope you are not completely disheartened. Good things come to those who weight… er, wait.
Let me also not rule out the possibility of an instant short-term solution should the gods find favour with you.
In the unlikely event Dr Isivunguvungu did provide you with the winning Lotto numbers (here again, provide me with the contact details post-haste should this occur), you may find yourself a babe magnet overnight.
For reasons still a mystery to researchers, model types go from superficiality to deeper meaning of life mode in one second flat the moment they encounter a gold-chained walrus on the beach with tens of millions in the bank and platinum credit cards fanning their cantaloupes.
May your numbers fall right.
