THERE are really only two types of people in this world – those who make lists, and all the others who are just wasting our time.
I, unsurprisingly, slot into the first category.
In fact, the only reason you’re reading this column is because it was dangling at the end of Sunday’s ‘To Do’ list and one cannot abide an uncrossed item on a list. It’s an unholy nightmare. Torture of the absolute worst kind.
It is vital that you do not underestimate the power of a list.
How many parties have been completely destroyed because ‘ice’ was left off the list?
How many Secret Santas have turned families against each other because someone’s name was left off the list?
How many marriages have been ruined because ‘contraceptives’ were left off the shopping list?
Lists save lives. Except for hit lists, of course. But we can’t disparage them.
They’re part of the ‘list-making’ community and must be admired for that.
I believe in making lists for absolutely everything. I have lists about lists that have to be made.
The only reason I’m ever going to die is because my name is on a list. Not my own list, obviously, but certainly a lot of other people’s lists.
My neighbour is a strong candidate. He didn’t seem so thrilled with the music we were blasting at 2am. Or the children screaming outside at 5am.
And certainly not with the fresh turd my dog left on his lawn at 6am.
I feel some remorse. But only because he’s a fellow list-maker.
Anyway, I’m always willing to share my insights on the ideal list-making techniques. It’s never too soon to start. A sentiment I apply to daytime drinking as well.
The first mistake with listing is being too confident. Confidence has no place in list-making.
With too much confidence, you add items to the list that are simply not achievable. And they just sit there, reminding you of your ineptitude.
The power of lists lies in the feeling of accomplishment every time an item is successfully crossed off the list. Which is why I start every list with the item ‘make a list’.
That way, you’re off to a winning start no matter how bad it gets.
The second mistake is premature list-item eradication. Never, ever cross an item off the list until you have completed it in its entirety.
Just like with roller coasters or daytime drinking, there’s no going back. And the list is ruined.
The third mistake is making a list and giving it to your husband to complete.
This is especially true of shopping lists. His heart is not in the list and he will start making incomprehensible substitutes – an absolutely unacceptable listing faux pas.
Broccoli will be replaced with cupcakes. Hand wash will be replaced with cupcakes. Contraceptives will be replaced with beer.
Absolutely no substitutes.
End of list.
