IF you’re a regular reader of this column, you’re probably the only one.
So, let me quickly bring you up to speed if you’re not my mom.
I’ve decided to embark on a career in horoscope writing as a way to find some sort of cosmic fulfilment and universal destiny… all the while, making some easy money on the side.
Based on my limited knowledge of astrology, excessive intake of alcohol, limited word count and general lack of zodiac context outside of my hippie friend’s ramblings, I’m just going to cover the zodiac signs that I can remember.
Pissies (possibly in February or March)
Your birthday is sometime in the calendar year and if you can’t remember when, it’s probably because Jupiter is interfering with your third eye.
You might want to alert local authorities.
You can expect some challenges early on in the week but you’re a risk taker, so that’s a given.
However, your cautious side will also take over somewhere in the middle of the week and then you’ll, once again, be throwing caution to the wind as you scream out ‘shots for everyone!’ from atop a barstool, somewhere around Friday night.
Aquariums (in the beginning of the year)
You like water, particularly when it’s mixed with vodka and a lime, but try not to overindulge on Thursday because Saturn will be shooting stars out of Uranus, which doesn’t bode well for you.
You tend to hit your moody blues on a Monday, although your personality gets progressively more interesting as the week rolls on, peaking on Friday and Saturdays with a downward crash on Sunday night as you down a bottle of vodka while crying over Derek Watts’ latest report on Carte Blanche.
Unicorns (somewhere in the middle)
Anyone falling under this star sign is incredibly unique – the whole lot of you.
You tend to gravitate towards attractive people while visibly repelling the uggos, and your knowledge and appreciation of fine wines gets steadily less acute with each passing bottle. Your future is uncertain.
But then so is your past. So just enjoy the present.
This month you would be wise to be cautious of any men dressed in khaki.
Particularly those driving cars with flashing blue lights.
Virgins (maybe September?)
You’ve been struggling with cash flow the past few weeks, but the 25th will bring with it wealth and fortune.
You would be wise to take heed of Neptune’s foreshadowing and not take these riches for granted.
Rather head to the races and put them all on a trifecta in the fifth.
This is a sure thing for you and will walk away a new person, if not rich in money, then rich in friends.
Arsies (the other months)
A sense of darkness is hanging over you this month, so don’t make any long-term plans, they might not be necessary after the 27th.
Around the 3rd of the month you will learn some startling news, but on the 4th of the month, that news will be completely overturned, leaving you back where you were on the 2nd of the month.
There are bad tidings coming your way, so avoid answering any phone calls from numbers starting with zero.
If your horoscope has not featured this month, or you would like to learn more about what the stars
have in store for you, transfer 10% (or more) of your earnings into my account.
Details to follow.
