A SOON-to-be-future-ex-sister-in-law arrived in South Africa from London for her first visit to meet the family from the not-so-developed-nation.
She was, among many other things, somewhat surprised at the less than sophisticated level of driving displayed by our fellow citizens and feared, somewhat unnecessarily I believe, for the safety of herself and her unborn child whenever she dared get into an automobile.
I think that, if offered a comprehensive lesson on South African road usage, she would – like us – embrace the driving ‘rules’ of her child’s almost-native land.
Turning Circles
I have, for a long time, believed that the turning circle located near the University of Zululand was, in fact, created as a prime example of how bad engineering can truly get. For even the likes of navigational wizards such as Magellan would find themselves completely at a loss when trying to exit this man made monstrosity.
People have been known to attempt it, only to remain, years later, driving in endless circles with no possibility of escape.
I thought things couldn’t get worse, until, last year when I watched in near fascination as a gentleman attempted to enter the turning circle in the wrong direction. I hear he’s still there.
For those optimists who install turning circles without a raised centre, I salute you. Your unwavering faith that South African drivers will actually go around the circle, rather than just driving straight over it, is something worth admiring. Bravo!
Four-way stops
The word ‘stop’ is somewhat over-stated in any reference to South African road signs.
‘Yield if you feel like it’ is probably more appropriate.
Where some might expect four cars to stop at said four-way stop, driving off in successive order, this is not so on South African roads.
It’s actually a test of who has the greater death wish. Those who laugh in the face of death will proceed first, and those who fear being left maimed in a heap of mangled metal will remain at said four-way stop until the ANC loses its majority.
Changing lanes
Mirrors in South African automobiles are there solely for re-applying make-up or checking one’s teeth for last night’s spinach.
Time spent checking rear and side view mirrors for oncoming traffic is simply time wasted.
If one wishes to change lanes – and it’s encouraged to change lanes as frequently and irrationally as possible – one just turns the steering wheel and hopes the other driver has insurance.
Indicators are optional, but best used after the lane changing has actually occurred.
Car guards
The pinnacle of driving specialists. Professionals in the art of parallel parking. Their knowledge of distance, space and time surpasses any astrophysicist you are likely to encounter.
While having never driven a car themselves, nor sniffed anything in the form of a driver’s licence, they are to be obeyed, respected and tipped at all costs.
So much is their wisdom in the art of driving, I understand measures are being taken to implement car guards at every testing station across the country.
How anybody managed to enter or exit a parking bay before car guards is beyond me. Quite frankly, I don’t know how the rest of the world does it.
Do not be disparaged if you are without a driver’s licence in South Africa or if you have never driven a car in your life.
That’s never stopped anybody before. Licences are readily available – although prices do differ from place to place and person to person – and, failing that, you can gain all driving wisdom simply by donning a reflective vest and entering the profession of ‘car guard’.
