THE world is filled with them. Endlessly annoying people hell-bent on being a part of your life.
And while I’m pretty much a hermit for the most part, society dictates that I interact with other human forms or risk finding myself locked in a sanatorium writing my blogs on a wall.
And so, as with everything in life, I have taken to analysing the various groups of annoying subsets so as to better understand these hurdles to happiness.
Here are the categories I’ve identified thus far:
The backhanded insult/compliment
This group of insufferables has the uncanny ability to always throw in an underhanded compliment to themselves, while also managing to publicly insult you… and somehow get away with it.
‘I don’t know how I do it with four kids, I must look a mess!’ she exclaims to a playground full of sleep-deprived parents drinking vodka from their sippy cups, while she prances about with her perfectly coiffed hair, flawless makeup and flat stomach.
‘I’m just so jealous of you!’ she continues, catching me with her insult lasers, as I stand there wearing my Spongebob Square Pants T-shirt and 20-year-old shorts.
‘You just don’t care what anyone thinks about your appearance! It must be so liberating.’
Boom!
The downer
This attention-seeking downer finds the need to draw attention to itself by lamenting every known tragedy that has ever existed, forcing the listener to dolefully commiserate while searching for a noose from which to hang.
‘Those poor Ugandans/Chechnyans/Iraqis/Luxembourgians… and that awful terror attack/bomb/Jihad/champagne shortage… I wish I could do more.’
You are then forced to pretend you know what the hell s/he is referring to otherwise you will be trapped as s/he relays the entire sob story.
The story topper
You could be a humanitarian lawyer married to George Clooney relaying to the Queen of England how you saved the life of near-extinct infant gorillas with your bare hands while dodging grenades during World War 2… and you will still not beat the story topper.
This unwavering pain in the rear will always find a way to surpass whatever story you’re telling with a much more interesting story of their own – real or ever-so-slightly-fictional.
The perfects
Their social media accounts are constantly updated with idyllic family holidays, celebrity meetings and endless achievements that make you look like a dodo trying to roller skate while under the influence of narcotics.
When you see them in real life, their children aren’t drawing on the walls or relieving themselves in the swimming pool, but actually playing quietly or performing Beethoven’s 2nd on a nearby piano.
You know there must be a flaw somewhere, but you are never going to find it.
Family
You love them – sure – but after 30 minutes you are ready to donate them to the closest gun-toting hostage-taker available.
No matter how loving and kind, the annoying habits of your family members are somehow four billion times more annoying to fellow family members.
This is why every family holiday ends up with the inevitable family fight, which is then picked up again at the next family reunion.
The rule is that each preceding generation is more annoying to the next, so children find their parents more annoying and parents find the grandparents more annoying.
Fortunately, there’s always wine.
