How to handle failure in a pressurised world
The key coping mechanism we need to learn is perseverance, which is a key characteristic of resilience – the ability to bounce back
Failure happens to everyone.
The rise of social media, celebrity culture, family expectations, and the drive to win and other pressures, are making it difficult for people to manage the increasing demands of modern life.
“We could run the risk of suffering from depression and anxiety as a result of the continued pressure to succeed,’ says Tony de Gouveia, a clinical psychologist at Akeso Clinic Alberton.
‘When we fail in a particular project or event, this affects our sense of self-esteem. As a result, we tend to perceive ourselves – our person – as failures, rather than limiting the feeling of failure to a specific disappointment in our lives. Over time this can develop into depression and anxiety.’
We feel that we have not met or lived up to expectations – our own and those of others – which then bothers us to the point of disturbing our mental state and our sense of balance.
This is particularly the case, De Gouveia says, with perfectionists and people with high expectations of themselves.
“The feelings of inadequacy that we experience as a result of repeated failure can cripple us psychologically, to the extent that we experience a sense of ‘learned helplessness’.
When people feel like they have no control over what happens, they tend to simply give up and accept their fate, and could fall into a clinical or major depression state over time.
When long-lasting, and with moderate or severe intensity, depression may become a serious health condition.
It can cause the affected person to suffer greatly and function poorly at work, at school and at home.
At its worst, depression can lead to suicide.
Close to 800 000 people commit suicide as a result of depression every year. Suicide is the second leading cause of death in 15 to 29-year-olds.
Keeping up with the Joneses
Peer pressure can exacerbate feelings of failure via what is known as social comparison, where we determine our own social and personal worth based on how we stack up against others.
As a result, we are constantly comparing ourselves to others in terms of attractiveness, wealth, intelligence and success.
‘The problem is that we invariably compare apples with pears and perceive ourselves to be falling short, even when we don’t have all the information needed to do the comparison accurately or realistically,’ says De Gouveia.
This can happen at various life stages and is affected by events such as career milestones, unemployment, marriage and parenthood, all of which can create scenarios where people may see themselves as failures because they haven’t succeeded in meeting the socially accepted criteria for success at each of these life stages.
Job loss and unemployment are also contributors to the feeling of failure.
These feelings can affect even the most capable and talented colleagues, friends and family.
How to overcome self-limiting beliefs
‘We can start by changing the way we view failure,’ says De Gouveia.
‘Viewing it not as a ‘bad’ occurrence in life, but as part and parcel of the learning process – and seeing it as an integral step on the road to success – is a far more positive and productive approach.’
Thomas Edison, who was initially unsuccessful in his numerous experiments to improve the light bulb, said it best: ‘I have not failed 700 times. I have not failed once. I have succeeded in proving that those 700 ways will not work. When I have eliminated the ways that will not work, I will find the way that will work.’
There’s also a Japanese proverb that says, ‘Fall down seven times, stand up eight,’ which means getting back up every time you get knocked down or fall down – essentially, never quitting.
The key coping mechanism we need to learn, De Gouveia advises, is perseverance, which is a key characteristic of resilience – the ability to bounce back.
It means finding the strength and courage to push past the setbacks in daily life until we finally succeed. It’s about learning to value yourself.
Seeking professional help
People who have gone through adverse life events are more likely to develop depression.
De Gouveia says if one experiences a sense of learned helplessness, where you have given up and have fallen into clinical or major depression as a result of a repeated sense of failure, one needs to seek help from a trained mental healthcare professional, such as a psychiatrist or psychologist.
This is important because depression can lead to more stress and dysfunction and worsen your life situation and the depression itself.
‘There are effective psychological treatments for depression, and there is no need for anyone to feel alone. The first step towards recovery is to seek help,’ he concludes.
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