You were given 30% on your exam paper because there was only one spelling mistake in your surname instead of the usual five. And you got the date right.
After three years in the grade 12 class, putting up with your Sesame Street act, the teacher reached a point where she fantasised about drinking weed killer in a wine glass, but she was too deep in debt to die yet, so she released you into society.
On paper you’re ready to be employed as an engineer at Denel but you don’t have any family working at a SOE therefore, unfortunately, you will have to try the private sector.
In the private sector the ability to mime all of Snoop Dog’s rap songs is not recognised as a skill, so your parents will have to pay for your Adidas tracksuits until they die because you will stay unemployed.
Or you can become a populist politician! The pay is directly linked to your inability to formulate coherent sentences while making ridiculous promises of mogul-type riches to your fellow Sesame Street followers.
There’s absolutely no need to prove that it will not rain money when you are voted president, so having flunked Home Economics at school, instead of failing Accounting, is not an issue.
However, you will have to be a charismatic public speaker and not shy away from the camera – here’s where all those years of reciting Snoop Dog lyrics for your friends during break time will pay off.
Just look straight at the camera (don’t stand so close as to spit untruths on the lens) and act silly like red Elmo.
It’s important to remember that populist politics calls for not making sense and that goes for everything, right from the outset, even when you decide what you call yourself.
The usual like ‘president’ will not do it as this name will suggest that you might actually have a clue what you’re doing.
No, rather choose something with a military ring to it like Captain Bulletproof or Commander in Charge.
Sesame Street voters like such names because it gives them the false impression that you are a man of action and experience, and in the business of populist politics, being false is everything.
That taking an eight grader’s sandwich during break time was the only action you ever saw, they don’t have to know.
You can always hire some muscle with your grandmother’s pension money.
And because you are not so good at spelling, you will also have to hire someone who can, to write you a party manifesto on your behalf.
But don’t let them call it a party manifesto. That will not impress your cretin followers.
Again, call this fairy tale document something with a military ring to it, like a Battle Briefing.
It will create the impression that you are a winner, the victor, which is important come election time.
Yes, the elections are around the corner and now is the time to show voters just how stupid you really are.
For voters it’s time to switch over from Comedy Channel to the news, because the circus has arrived.
