Guide to getting out of an abusive relationship

ABUSE comes in numerous forms within the context of a relationship, that often gets overlooked by the one suffering the abuse.

It can be emotional, physical, financial or sexual and one does not need to endure it.

When love in a relationship turns into pain and suffering, it is time to leave.

Leaving is not always easy as sometimes it becomes difficult and dangerous.

Have a look at ways to get out of an abusive relationship and then make a final decision.

Recognise Abuse

Step one to leaving an abusive relationship is to recognise the abuse and identify which abuse is in your relationship.

Step back for a moment to identify the form of abuse.

Normally the word abuse automatically refers physical abuse, but it can be so much more than that.

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Emotional abuse is when there is humiliation, intimidation, controlling behaviour and degradation of one individual within the relationship.

Sexual abuse comes when not consenting to sex or intimate touch.

Financial abuse is hard to spot, but comes when the abuser insists that you give up control of your finances.

If you see any of these behaviours in your relationship, do not make excuses for the abuser.

Realise that you are being abused and move on to the next step.

Realise you are NOT at fault

Abuse is never the victim’s fault and coming to this realisation is the key to getting out of an abusive situation.

Most people resist change until they become very uncomfortable in their present condition.

The victim of abuse must stop making excuses for the abuser.

No matter how much you might think you ‘nag’, ‘annoy’ or ‘make mistakes’, you do not deserve to be hit, humiliated, controlled or taken advantage of.

The abuser tricks the victim into thinking and believing they deserve the abuse they are being subjected to.

They could tell you that no one else would put up with you, so there’s no point in leaving and cut you off from friends and family.

Realise it is okay to leave and you will find the motivation to do so.

Document everything

Documenting abuse is vital in a marriage, especially when children are involved, as that evidence will aid you later to ensure adequate protection.

One can keep a dated journal that describes what happens and when.

One can also record audio and videos as evidence, or keep messages.

If physically abused, take photos and seek medical attention for bruises, cuts or other visible manifestations.

Keep all documentation in a safe place, preferably at work or at a friend’s home.

If you fear for your life, get out immediately and seek help from the police.

Pack an emergency bag

One needs to be ready to leave at a moment’s notice.

Pack an emergency overnight bag that contains clothing, toiletries, money, any medication you may need and copies of keys.

You may also wish to keep a folder of your legal documentation, such as your birth certificate and identity card.

Hide this bag somewhere it will not be found by the abuser.

Set money aside

This is important if you are unemployed, or don’t have much work experience or the abuser controls the finances.

Abusive relationships inevitably end and one does not want to be left without anything.

If the abuser tightly controls finances, save a small amount each week anyway.

Save whatever you can and stash it away in an emergency bag.

Put a CV together and send it out to find work if unemployed.

Do not leave yourself vulnerable.

Financially prepare for the end of the relationship with an abuser.

Alert friends and family

A support structure is important.

These people need to know about the abuse and assist with food and shelter.

They will also help with the emotional support.

Stay in contact with the important people in your life, and they will be there to help you when and if a crisis arises.

Leave and disengage

In the end leaving the abuser is the way out of an abusive relationship.

This means not taking the abuser back and allowing them to make excuses.

If an abuser gets the victim back into their home, they once again have control and will seek to punish the victim for leaving.

Do whatever you must to keep the abuser away from you, including blocking them on social media, changing your phone number, or even obtaining a restraining order.

If you feel that leaving is simply too dangerous, call the police and allow them to escort you out.

Moving on

Abuse can leave a deep psychological mark.

If one has recently left an abusive relationship, seek help.

See a counsellor and draw loved ones close.

Do not dwell on the past, but work to ensure the success in the present.

Above all, remember that you are valuable and that your experience has in no way lessened that value.

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