I THINK if I had a small fortune and wanted to make a big one, I would build an airline that didn’t feel obliged to turn travelling cattle class into more of a misery than absolutely necessary.
And I’m saying this having just flown Air Emirates, which is the friendliest and most efficient airline I have used.
We flew London-Dubai-Durban, the first time I have done that route, and even though they did their best, let’s face it, once you turn right instead of left to Business Class, you are officially not a very important person.
You may argue you get what you pay for, but if I owned an airline, there are certain ground rules I would enforce.
Firstly, once you are in the passenger boarding bridge, you actually board. This is not a holding area.
For example, we were led out of an air-conditioned airport lounge to be stalled for about 30 minutes in the boarding bridge in 36°C and soaring heat while number-crunchers hummed and hawed about bleep-knows-what.
Secondly, I would teach staff how to push food and drink trolleys faster than a narcoleptic snail.
This is quite easy. If a customer orders fermented rose hips shaken with freshly-squeezed loquat essence from Patagonia, then press the service button and get the cabin steward to explain the logistics.
The half hour wasted attending one looney-tunes customer should not be the duty of the sole trolley-pusher at the expense of sane passengers down the line.
Then after touchdown, get the damn disembarking process operating ASAP. This is what really gets me.
The plane lands, the pilot tells you with absolute sincerity how much he has enjoyed your company and please fly with him again, you hard-elbow everyone out the way to find your hand luggage and put shoes on, and then you wait.
And wait.
Okay, I accept that the Business Class VIPs who have paid big bucks to be pampered have right of way, and boy, do they exercise that, leisurely leaving their seats at the speed of a slug withdrawing from steroids.
Hamba shesha
But I suppose after a few goblets of French champagne and gourmet grub, I wouldn’t be in much of a hurry to leave either. Give them an extra goblet and say hamba shesha.
The Emirates flight is about three hours longer in straight flying time than Heathrow-Jo’burg-Durban, and when you add on the three-hour stopover in Dubai, it’s a marathon. But it’s broken up in two bite-size chunks, so is not as bad as it sounds. I’ll do it again.
In the past, I have flown SAA. But as we all know, that once great airline is doing the same spiral as other state-run concerns.
Sadly, I have also found individual SAA staff on international flights to be less than welcoming.
Earlier this year I booked an aisle seat online as I am slightly claustrophobic and on the aisle you are guaranteed of getting your elbows on at least one seat rest.
To my irritation, I was stuck in a centre of a very crowded plane. When I complained, the cabin steward patronisingly informed me that the seating configuration online was not necessarily the same as in real life.
Silly me.
Finally, we come to the airport itself. This obviously is outside the remit of an airline, but it contributes to passenger misery big time.
Our trip last week was no different. Apparently only one computer at King Shaka Airport was functional, so thinking we would be whisked through quickly as we were the sole international flight was wishful.
We were in a queue for three-quarters of an hour. However, to give credit, the customs staff were fantastic – friendly and polite and far brighter than the computer system.
So if one of my books becomes a JK Rowling-style sensation (heh), prepare for the launch of Spence African Airlines, aka Absolute Hot Air, so as not to infringe the SAA copyright.
You will be guaranteed of sitting in comfortable lounges until the plane is ready to take off, disembarking within minutes of landing … and air hostesses driving food and drink trolleys faster than a Kyalami Grand Prix.
