AN attractive woman walks past a man in the supermarket.
She smiles politely and he responds with a sheepish grin.
Now, ask the man 10 seconds later if he can recall the colour of her eyes, he will almost certainly not have the slightest clue.
But ask him if he can remember – more or less – her bust size, and he will astound you by describing her chest with enough detail as to make any lingerie shop assistant look grossly incompetent.
It is a fact, breasts are at the very top of every man’s favourite-things-to-look-at list, and the only ones who do not automatically do so drive VW Beatles or Mini Coopers and live in Cape Town.
The two second rule
Women know men stare and have learned to live with it – like dogs jumping up on them – as long as the looks are not so dirty as to force them to go home for a change of clothes.
Remember, subtlety is the key, so a quick glance is the rule.
After all, the last thing you want is people tripping over your optic nerves as your eyeballs get stuck in a cleavage over by the fresh produce stand.
A gentleman will never stare for more than two seconds.
Longer than two seconds and the connoisseur becomes a creep.
A creep get dirty looks, sometimes the middle finger and in extreme cases a hard slap.
A good guideline is counting 1001, 1002 – like the following distance when driving.
Cleavage twitch
For the gentleman with a serious cleavage addiction there is, of course, sunglasses.
They are definitely the greatest invention after the internal combustion engine.
She knows you are staring but cannot prove it, and as long as you keep your head straight, you are safe.
You can look until your irises disappear behind your eye sockets.
It hurts though, and in the long run can lead to a permanent ‘cleavage twitch’.
The best sunglasses for breast watching are those with reflective lenses, and which wrap snugly around the sides of your head.
Their tight fit will also prevent your wife, who is walking beside you, from noticing that only the whites of your eyes are visible on her side.
We have been given the gift of sight, but must not abuse it.
The next time you see a great looking woman with a perfect cleavage who makes you go va-va-voom, admire her from afar as she approaches, or just catch a brief glimpse when she is close.
1001, 1002…
Who said men can’t be dogs and gentlemen and the same time?
Yes, I follow that rule all the time – count to 1001. I haven’t made it there, yet. The women always disappear before I reach the count. Of course, two seconds is not even enough time to focus on the beauty.
Is that Phil Collins?