1. The whiner
Nothing is ever to this woman’s liking, least of all you.
Take her to a restaurant and she will embarrass you by wanting to see the head chef, because the picture on the menu shows 15 chips and she only received 14.
She even whines about the fact that she is always whining.
Eventually you will attempt to cut your own ears off.
2. The extreme animal lover
She likes anything with a lot of fur, but the hair on your back unfortunately doesn’t count.
Her animals are the love of her life and you will forever come after Flopsy, Fuzzy, Muff, Powwow, Snubbs…
The list is long because she collects creatures like other women do shoes, and she has a whiff of cat urine following her everywhere.
After visiting her, you look like the Abominable Snowmen because of all the animal hair sticking to your clothes.
Her type often end up a spinster.
3. Suspicious Sarah
Sarah thinks you are guilty of something.
She doesn’t know what, yet, but she’s determined to find out.
Therefore, she checks your phone when you are in the shower, and smells your underpants like Temperance ‘Bones’ Brennan.
She will not rest before she has found out what you are hiding from her.
Hair samples found in the car gets her excited.
Even dog hair, especially long brown ones.
Somewhere along the line you are going to do something wrong on purpose.
4. Bambi Woods
This girl would easily get the lead role for the remake of Debbie does Dallas.
She’s knows every guy in town, not by name, but rather by their shoe size, which they have all at one stage parked under her bed.
She has the moral values of a pet shop rabbit.
Taking her to a braai or anywhere else where there are men, is like taking a recovered alcoholic on holiday to the Cape Winelands – expecting her to enjoy the scenery, but not to swallow.
5. The gold digger
She has nothing but wants everything and needs a man to pay for it.
Date her and you will end up digging deep until you are bankrupt.
Two days into the relationship she will ask the first time if she can borrow money from you.
She wants to be wined and dined every week.
And on the odd occasion, when she does offer to cook, she will ask you to bring a bottle of wine, mince, cheese and salad.
As soon as you tell her ‘No’, she will start prospecting elsewhere for richer cash deposits.
6. The Klingon
No, not the ugly alien from Star Trek!
But after dating her for a few months, you will wish that you can take a holiday on another planet, because this girl clings to you like a baby monkey.
She sits by you when you are in the garage.
Goes fishing with you even though she hates water.
And if you do manage to slip away for some ‘me’ time, she phones you after three minutes: ‘Where are you? I miss you’.
Seven months after the divorce, she will still be driving past your house 10 times a night.
7. Xena Warrior Princess
Xena is a bit of a dark horse with a dark past.
She wants to redeem herself through her formidable fighting skills and is not afraid to get physical with men or women.
She doesn’t argue because she regards it as a waste of valuable hand-to-hand combat time.
In an all-out street fight she will beat up Mike Tyson, so, be prepared to for a bloody nose if you forget to put the toilet seat back down.
She will also hit your mother.
8. Priscilla Queen of the Desert
Encounters with the third kind seem to be on the increase – women who were not always women, but who are women now – by means of a little surgical Tom foolery.
Trust your instincts!
The warning lights must flash if her feet and hands are overly large for a lady.
And at a braai – standing there holding the plate with her big hands – asking in the voice of a WWF wrestler, ‘Where’s da meat?’, then you must realise the bulge in her jeans was never her keys.
