Rugby positions explained

WITH all rugby fixtures currently ‘benched’ owing to the Covid-19 lockdown, now is the time to educate yourself even further about the game so you will be a fundi when matches resume.

Listed below are the various player positions and a brief explanation of what they actually do:

Loosehead prop

Is a moderately tall guy prone to obesity who often becomes aggressive when something obstructs his way to the bar, pie shop and, occasionally, a ruck. He does weights, but no one knows why.

Hooker: Not to be confused with the ladies of the night offering a thousand delights, the hooker is a shortish, fat lad who has an endless capacity for cheap booze and is fascinated by women who are miles out of his league. Firmly believes he has superior rugby know-how and is an athlete in the Usain Bolt mould.

Tighthead prop: Read loosehead prop.

Lock (4): A big, hard brute who prefers to be addressed as ‘the enforcer’, but police prefer hooligan when they are called in to restore order. Usually wears shorts and flip-flops all year round and lives with his mother.

Lock (5): Is as tall as a giraffe and looks funny when he runs. Has long arms which is useful in the bar. Claims to be very fit, but is the last to arrive at a breakdown.

Blindside flanker: A hard man who can disappear for 80 minutes, and then emerge holding someone’s scrotum. He never buys a round.

Openside flanker: Often a glory boy with psychotic tendencies, who will spend a lot of time in A&E, but when present can carry a team. He is often unpopular or young, or both.

Number 8: Big bastard who talks a good game and describes himself as a footballer. Often vain, he starts drinking fast but can’t hold his booze and has weird hobbies or jobs. Handy in a scuffle, but best avoided socially.

Scrum Half. An opinionated midget who can get himself into trouble marginally faster than he can run away from it. Nothing is ever his fault. A good drinker and a mild pervert.

Fly Half: There are two sorts – a running one or kicking one. Generally they do not know which one they are until it’s too late. They possess unusually nice hair and are overconfident in every situation – until it’s too late.

Left wing: A lanky speed merchant who cannot be caught. Lives in a world of his own and always forgets one item of kit at home.

Inside centre: Is often the best player on the field, as well as the fittest. Has limited social skills and is terrified of women until the beer kicks in.

Outside centre: Does everything the 12 don’t. Is socially active and often juggles multiple women.

Has a nice car, good job and a demanding fitness regime, as well as extensive debts and a large porn collection.

Right wing: The only reason he does not score ten tries in every game is because no one can pass.

Often a big lad who really looks the part and yet, never quite has the impact you hope for. Doesn’t drink.

15 Full Back: 90% of them should be shot at dawn for cowardice. Last line of defence? Ha! Secretly want to play at 10 and buys the captain lots of pints. Too many hair products, but a useful source of spare toiletries during away games.

Source: Twitter

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