‘Hi, how are you?’
‘Plastic?’
‘Yes, please. Two should be enough.’
‘Void! Plastic?’
‘Yes, give me two’.
‘Void!… Voiddd! Voiddddd!’ ‘Plastic!’
Though I’m not sure what the ‘void’ is about, this is the part where I usually feel like falling on my knees and asking for super powers such as God had when he dropped storms of hail and fire on the Egyptians.
Luckily, I always receive more patience – albeit mixed with a good dash of exasperation.
‘For the third… (almost used the F-word) time; I want two shopping bags! Please! And thank you!’
Zero contact
I’m sure you all know exactly where this happened and it regularly happens to you too.
So, instead of throwing my toys out of the cot like a spoilt boy-politician who’s been reprimanded for wearing an Armani suit under a red Telly Tubby jumper, I will rather propose a solution:
We need drive through supermarkets.
Big warehouses with, instead of parking space (parking bays are anyway smaller than some drivers these days), they must have several drive-through lanes where your groceries or other goods rush towards your car via a conveyor belt, already packed in a box.
You, of course, placed your order online an hour earlier before leaving work and paid with a credit card (hopefully without Gaylord in Lagos intercepting your banking details).
And as with supermarkets, there must be express lanes for those picking up 10 or less items, such as milk, bread and a pack of fags I usually need before heading home.
Now, I cannot give half a rat’s bubonic plagued rear-end whether soap stuffs are mixed with edibles, as long as there’s zero contact with other clients, or staff.
Hopefully some business mogul will read this and realise that I actually have a great idea here.
Someone like Johann Rupert or Patrice Motsepe, with enough money to make my idea a reality, and the brains to know not to appoint his 25th cousin on mother’s side – the one who thinks Cape Town is a country – as manager.
I’ve had enough
Yes, online grocery shopping is not a new idea, but it needs to be taken beyond free range butternut & falafel booster bowls from Woolies, to suburban level – my level – because I’ve had enough of supermarkets.
I’ve had enough of staff with the personality of overripe avocado and the communication skills of over-the-counter laxative.
I’ve had enough of standing in a queue while the man ahead of me sucks mucus like he’s a wet-and-dry Electrolux.
And enough of the woman behind me not giving up on her attempts to park a trolley between my kidneys and colon.
Supermarkets would have been much more pleasant if only they also sold bottled customer service, etiquette in a box and basic communication starter packs…
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