EVERY New Year, as I wade through the bottles of the previous night’s thirst-quenching endeavours and try to figure out what that hammering sound is behind my eyeballs, I resolve to change my ways and become a transformed individual.
Someone Mother Teresa would look at and think sagely: ‘Now there goes a saint’.
And so, the List of resolutions begins, always crafted with misguided yet noble intentions, but like South Africa’s state-owned enterprises, always doomed for failure.
So this year, I decided to be more realistic about my intended life changes, so as not to disappoint my biggest fan.
Me.
Change my rules on drinking
That astute leader, Winston Churchill, once said: ‘When I was younger I made it a rule never to take strong drink before lunch. It is now my rule never to do so before breakfast.’ I will attempt to follow the musings of such an accomplished individual so that I too can achieve greatness in 2020.
Get load-shedding
Following in Eskom’s footsteps, I too will attempt my own load-shedding schedule, and considering the number of potatoes eaten during the festive season, I might have to start at stage 8 load-shedding and work backwards from there, shedding my load so that others around me can, once again, see the light. However, emulating Eskom, I fear that continuous load-shedding will just depress me, so this will be interspersed with times of complete gluttony before cutting off completely – when everyone least expects it.
More family time
This is not to say I will spend more time with immediate family, but rather branch out and spend time with family members I’ve not even met before. I believe I have some remote relatives living in the south of France – 10th cousins fourteen times removed. I think that some time spent really getting back to my roots
(a month, maybe more, I’m willing to take the time) will really make me a better version of myself.
Be more like my animals
I want to really connect with nature this year, and the only way to truly do this is by conforming with the animals.
Not my energy-fuelled, hole-digging, cord-chewing, cat-chasing, mud-spreading, mixed-breed puppy. No. Rather, I will attempt to be more like my feline, sleeping on average 23 hours a day, waking only to feed and relieve myself in a container that someone else is forced to clean.
Try something new every day
With my one hour of awake time, I will endeavour to try something different each day. Some ideas I’ve come up with include driving on the wrong side of the road to experience the thrill of being an American; not cleaning up after myself to experience the thrill of being a man; putting my shoes on the wrong feet to experience the thrill of being senile; throwing a tantrum because my shoes are on the wrong feet to re-live the thrill of being a three-year-old; going a day without laughter to enjoy the thrill of being German.
2020 is going to be a really great year for those around me.
