BLOGGING THE VIEW: It’s time to learn the ‘real’ real estate jargon
Forget the mounds of paperwork, unending costs and annoying lawyers. What you really need is someone who can translate real estate jargon before you even embark on the process of a home purchase
HAVING survived the gruelling process that is purchasing real estate in this country – optimistically hoping it won’t be added to the government’s property portfolio in the near future – I can offer some sound advice to would-be homeowners.
Forget the mounds of paperwork, unending costs and annoying lawyers. What you really need is someone who can translate real estate jargon before you even embark on the process of a home purchase.
This will save you countless wasted hours visiting properties you wouldn’t want to enter without your hazmat suit, and can drastically streamline your online searching.
So here it is… the real estate dictionary for home buyers!
1. Quaint or charming = Small. Very small. Very, very, very small. You’re basically buying a cupboard.
2. Open-plan = Studio apartment suited to stoned students. Your bedroom, kitchen, living room, bathroom and neighbour’s cat are all located in one room. No walls and no privacy.
3. Near transport = Next to the taxi rank, so expect loud music blaring throughout the night. And lots of hooting.
4. Private = In the middle of nowhere. Your nearest neighbour is a mountain goat.
5. Within walking distance = Within walking distance if you are prepared to walk for hours.
6. Has potential OR a fixer-upper = An absolute dump. It is uninhabitable as it stands, so if you are planning on buying it, add another million to the price tag.
7. Solid = Impossible to modernise because of certain features.
8. Practical = Not completely uninhabitable but certainly needs work.
9. Well-maintained = Older homeowners who might have kept the property in check, but haven’t modernised it since the end of the Cold War.
10. Low maintenance = No garden. Perhaps a small patch of dirt for stompies.
11. Partial views = If you hang out the window by your feet with a telescope, you might see the ocean. But only if it’s a really, really clear day.
12. Unique or distinct design = While the place has been recently renovated, it was done by a blind homeowner with no sense of taste, so there is no way you are going to like their particular choice in decor or design.
13. 1.5 bedrooms = One bedroom and a closet they’re trying to sell as a bedroom.
14. Contact for photos = It’s so ugly, we know you wouldn’t look twice if you saw the photos, so we’re going to try trap you here in the basement and not let you leave until you’ve bought the place.
Once you’ve negotiated your way through the real estate jargon, you’re almost home free.
Now you just have to deal with the bankers and lawyers.
