Last week, at what is apparently the top restaurant in the Jo’burg area, I found myself looking down at the plate in front of me, and wondering whether we as people have gone completely nuts.
I ordered something with fish as the main ingredient – not because I felt like having fish but because ‘salmon’ was the only word I recognised on the menu.
Salmon-something…
It was the only dish whereby I could just tell the waiter ‘I’ll have the salmon thanks,’ and get the message across without saying more.
Anything else and I would’ve had to attempt pronouncing words consisting mainly of vowels, as well as having no clue whatsoever as to what I was ordering.
The ‘I’ll take the salmon’ was the only option without coming across as a complete cretin.
My salmon-something main course turned out to be what in my world constitutes an I&J fish finger, just minus the crunchy batter.
The salmon finger was lying there, lonely, slightly off-centre, on a plate large enough to accommodate a pizza. Near the tip was a splash (also slightly off-centre), of something yellowish.
Three thin lines of some thick green sauce, poured at right angles over the fish, and a small tuft of fine cricket pitch grass concluded what was touted to be ‘the best culinary experience in Jo’burg’.
I was disappointed and angry.
Disappointed, because I was going to walk out of there still hungry, and angry because I got served loads of pretentious rubbish and will have to pretend it’s the best meal I’ve ever had.
That’s how we are. Instead of calling the bluff, we will sit there, pretending to be impressed.
We get told a tiny sliver of fish is from the softest part of the belly of a virgin mermaid, and a splash of yellow garnish is the spittle of the last Siberian snow cockatoo – and we buy it.
In fact, we are willing to pay a lot more for this nonsense instead of pointing out the con.
For the same price I could have bought a wheelbarrow full of mince samoosas at Curry in a Hurry in Union Street, and it would’ve been well worth the money.
This obsessive quest to come across as sophisticated is really making fools of us.
