YOU live and learn. But sometimes you live and just get more confused.
Often I look around and feel that I’m missing certain elements that are fundamental to being human.
Things people do and say every day, as if they’re completely normal, leave me just flabbergasted.
Here are a few that come to mind…
1. Personalised number plates
If there’s one place you would think people wish to remain anonymous, it’s on South African roads.
Running red lights, lane changing without prior notice, vehicles missing everything from windscreen wipers to windscreens, and yet, these people will proudly display their identities on their unroadworthy vehicles.
And it’s not just that they have ‘vanity plates’, in the ridiculous names they choose to put on there.
On more than one occasion I’ve had to drive past ‘Saliva’ and roll my eyes as far as they would go. In all honesty though, I did see one plate that made me giggle. Well done to you ‘QQQQ’ – witty and so true.
2. LOL
Don’t get me wrong, when any of my aged relatives respond ‘LOL’ mistakenly thinking this stands for ‘lots of love’ I do LOL… but that’s where my appreciation for this stupid acronym ends.
If you send out a funny message, the reaction you want is not a cliched ‘LOL’ back. In fact, anyone that responds with ‘LOL’ is too unoriginal to appreciate my wit anyway and they will, henceforth, be blocked.
3. Talking about your kids
As parents we all love our children
Sure. But with the exception of your partner and maybe – just maybe – their grandparents, nobody cares about your kid’s daily routine or bowel movements. No one.
I don’t mind the odd discussion, obviously, but after 10 minutes I’m going to fake a phone call.
It’s for this reason that I’ve successfully avoided all clamber clubs, moms-and-tots’ groups and am surrounded by childless friends. #sorrynotsorry
4. Crop tops and dungarees
Walking into any retail outlet these days is like stepping onto the set of Clueless.
The 90s is back and it should’ve been left where it was – in our memories classified under ‘what the hell was I wearing?’.
As a fashion-conscious friend once told me, dungarees are for farmers and pregnant women, if that.
I have to agree with her. And crop tops? There are perhaps two people in the whole world that could make that look work. And they’re not you.
5. Backdoor braggers
You know the type. They say something seemingly self-deprecating but actually it’s just a compliment.
‘Skinny jeans look so awful on me because I’m just too skinny’. ‘I look so tired because I was up all night baking for my kids’ school, feeding the homeless and learning Mandarin’. ‘My biggest fault is that I work too hard/love too much/am a perfectionist’. Seek attention elsewhere Saliva.
But to be fair, I’m sure there are many things I consider to be completely normal that many would find absurd.
Paying speeding fines as soon as I get them. Taking endless photographs of my cats. Not watching Game of Thrones. Classifying lettuce as a liquid.
I suppose it’s just a case of tolerating each other’s idiosyncrasies…or faking a phone call to get away.
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