The month of February looms ahead like a searing vision of hell, with the promise of days so scorchingly hot, it’s impossible to believe global warming was once considered a myth.
In fact, if there are any non-believers out there, we should ship them all over to Zululand for February. That would have them running for the recycling bins and solar panels in no time.
But it’s not all doom and gloom, there are ways to survive February in Zululand. You just have to be smart about it.
Here’s a simple list to follow if you want to escape February with your mind intact.
Never go outside
Even if you don’t have air-conditioning or an industrial-strength fan – which should be donated to all Zululand households by the government or charities quite frankly – never venture outdoors in February. You’re going to be tempted, it might even look overcast and bearable, but just don’t do it.
You will find yourself drenched in sweat, crawling along the ground, praying for death. There are better things in life.
Switch off your geyser
You are never, ever going to need to use your geyser in February. The water emerging from any Zululand household tap averages 50 degrees for at least half an hour before it ‘cools’ down. Besides which, your body temperature is averaging 55 degrees, so there’s no way you will ever want a warm shower. Just save the money and switch that geyser off.
Beware of the branding
If you have to use your car – for whatever reason – pay someone to get inside half an hour before you get in to switch on the aircon. Otherwise prepare for the branding. In February, every belt buckle, steering wheel logo and door handle immediately turn into branding irons, so fierce, you could act as a walking advert for your particular car make all the way into winter.
Get yourself educated
When your weather app promises a sweltering 45 degree day – and you know it’s more like 55 with humidity – and you don’t own any air-conditioner, it’s time to get smart. The local library will suddenly become the place to be as local residents – literate and other – congregate around the 1980s air-conditioning unit which provides much-needed relief. You never know, you might actually learn something.
Cosy up to your neighbours
If you are going to break the first rule, then there’s only one exception – going for a swim. But what to do if you don’t have a pool? The municipal pool is an option, sure, but some days the person-to-water ratio makes this an unrealistic solution. You need to start befriending neighbours with pools.
But it’s only for a month, then you can go back to avoiding them in the driveway and playing loud music once that long month is over.
Get February fit
It’s too late now, but it’s never too late for February 2020. Remember, next year is a leap year so it’s going to be an even longer month. Start wearing those polar necks, thermals and jackets throughout the year as a way to build up your heat resistance. That way, as February rolls around, your body will be so ready for the unbearable heat, getting through February will be a breeze!
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